Snow? In Cleveland? What a novel idea!
Dear Cleveland Drivers,
A funny thing happens around this time of year. The air gets colder, your windshield gets harder to see out of in the morning, and sometimes...sometimes in late October, sometimes later...sometimes a strange phenomena has been known to happen. The sky gets really overcast and the wind picks up, and these fluffy white things fall from the sky. They're wet and slippery, and they say each one is unique in its crystal structure. Fear not, loyal Clevelanders, for these white bits are not the cold tears of dear departed Browns fans, falling from above upon a land where our favorite team can go two and a half quarters without a first down. Nay, this cold white stuff is something known as "snow."
Lately I've noticed that people seem to want to celebrate this occurrance by stopping completely on inappropriate stretches of road, such as I-90. People! This is a major interstate! It is not for stopping and gawking! Especially not if you have lived in Cleveland for most of your life. To be perfectly frank, if you are SURPRISED by snow in late October in Cleveland, Ohio, you are, excuse my familiarity, a fucking brain-dead moron.
Snow! On the road! Oh my God! It's wet and slippery! I'm going to turn my lights off, slam on my brakes as hard as I can and skate across four lanes to park not so gently up against a barrier! Yes! That seems appropriate! Snow! Sweet bloody Grover Cleveland, let's huddle up to the car in front of us for warmth! A brilliant plan! Snow! Never fear, I have four-wheel drive, I'm going to do 80 m.p.h. anyway despite the "roll" warnings on my SUV, the SUV I drive in bloody WESTLAKE, where there is nowhere to "offroad" per ce. Snow! I'm going to drive 35 in a 50, and then 10 in a 35 because that makes TOTAL SENSE! Snow! God, I hate driving in the snow. I'm going to go spend a lot of money on a REAR WHEEL DRIVE vehicle and then bitch when I can't pull myself out of a ditch! Yes! God, yes! Yes, yes yes!
*ahem*
Sorry, dear Cleveland drivers, it's just that I get so excited. I mean, I've only seen 24 winters, and still when I see snow I'm just so damn surprised I almost piss my pants. Really, who would have thought that when it turns late fall on the lakefront that winter would be around the corner?! What possible warning have we had?! I mean, it's only October. It's only Cleveland. It's so unexpected.
Listen. Yes. Snow can be dangerous. So use some common sense, fill up your wiper fluid, buckle up, and for the love of all that is holy, get some car insurance. Accidents WILL happen, that's why we pay the man.
Sincerely,
Someone who is going to start taking the bus.
A funny thing happens around this time of year. The air gets colder, your windshield gets harder to see out of in the morning, and sometimes...sometimes in late October, sometimes later...sometimes a strange phenomena has been known to happen. The sky gets really overcast and the wind picks up, and these fluffy white things fall from the sky. They're wet and slippery, and they say each one is unique in its crystal structure. Fear not, loyal Clevelanders, for these white bits are not the cold tears of dear departed Browns fans, falling from above upon a land where our favorite team can go two and a half quarters without a first down. Nay, this cold white stuff is something known as "snow."
Lately I've noticed that people seem to want to celebrate this occurrance by stopping completely on inappropriate stretches of road, such as I-90. People! This is a major interstate! It is not for stopping and gawking! Especially not if you have lived in Cleveland for most of your life. To be perfectly frank, if you are SURPRISED by snow in late October in Cleveland, Ohio, you are, excuse my familiarity, a fucking brain-dead moron.
Snow! On the road! Oh my God! It's wet and slippery! I'm going to turn my lights off, slam on my brakes as hard as I can and skate across four lanes to park not so gently up against a barrier! Yes! That seems appropriate! Snow! Sweet bloody Grover Cleveland, let's huddle up to the car in front of us for warmth! A brilliant plan! Snow! Never fear, I have four-wheel drive, I'm going to do 80 m.p.h. anyway despite the "roll" warnings on my SUV, the SUV I drive in bloody WESTLAKE, where there is nowhere to "offroad" per ce. Snow! I'm going to drive 35 in a 50, and then 10 in a 35 because that makes TOTAL SENSE! Snow! God, I hate driving in the snow. I'm going to go spend a lot of money on a REAR WHEEL DRIVE vehicle and then bitch when I can't pull myself out of a ditch! Yes! God, yes! Yes, yes yes!
*ahem*
Sorry, dear Cleveland drivers, it's just that I get so excited. I mean, I've only seen 24 winters, and still when I see snow I'm just so damn surprised I almost piss my pants. Really, who would have thought that when it turns late fall on the lakefront that winter would be around the corner?! What possible warning have we had?! I mean, it's only October. It's only Cleveland. It's so unexpected.
Listen. Yes. Snow can be dangerous. So use some common sense, fill up your wiper fluid, buckle up, and for the love of all that is holy, get some car insurance. Accidents WILL happen, that's why we pay the man.
Sincerely,
Someone who is going to start taking the bus.
posted at 5:52 PM
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