I LOVE Thankgiving. It's my favorite holiday for a variety of reasons, most of which involve the deliberate lowering of my social standards. I can wander around in sweatpants with grease and gravy smeared all over my chin and no one can rightfully mock me because they're all doing it too. I love laying on my back on the floor, watching TV, eating yams with my fingers. I love falling asleep in the bathtub later in the night, slightly drunk on cheap wine and that chemical in turkey that makes me extra lazy. I realize this isn't the most attractive of mental images, but let's be honest: you'll be doing it too, you big, fat, lard-caked hypocrite. Is "lard-caked" supposed to be hyphenated? It damn well better be!

Today I attempt to eat myself into a new and bigger set of breasts. I like to think that being flat chested is an OK thing, kind of like those new flat screen high definition TVs all the men are drooling over. Still, it would be nice to have something to rest my plate on while I'm shoveling stuffing into my face, and that's my goal this weekend: to prepare for next Thanksgiving, or at least to graduate out of training bras. Yeah!

Anyway, I figure it wouldn't be a Thanksgiving post without a trite list of things for which I am thankful, so here ya go:

1. I am thankful for Skipper's kidney, which allows me to consume mass amounts of
yummy foods and liquids without having to dialysize them all off the next day.
Huzzah!
2. I'm thankful for softpaws, which allow me to snuggle Jerome and Louise without
them being able to claw my face into tatters.
3. I am thankful for Clorox wipes, which keep me healthy and make me the mockery of
my co-workers, who call me an 80 year old woman.
4. I am thankful for Michael's, which sells 100% Merino wool worsted for $3 a skein.
Hells yeah!
5. ...for the Avon Lake liquor store, which is within walking distance and where I
always come away with booze AND a smile, and a new recipe for bloody marys,
and I never get carded.
6. ...for direct deposit and online banking...
7. ...for my dishwasher!
8. ...for sunblock, which is finally starting to reduce the freckle problem.
9. ...for Walgreens pharmacy, where they always have Rapamune and Cellcept in stock.
10. ...for the guy who hoses the bird poop off the bridge I walk under on my way to
work every morning. He always tips his hat, shakes my hand and says "we're
gonna make it nice and clean for you, miss!" That guy is awesome.

What are you doing on the internet? ("teh internet"???) Go eat some turkey!