It's not even 7:00 AM and I've already set a dishtowel on fire this morning.
THIS DOESN'T BODE WELL.

Up until a few weeks ago I didn't really feel that I had any talents. Sure, I can whistle and hum at the same time, and I can do some flexible and frightening stuff with my spine lately, but those aren't really marketable, unless you count making fake recordings of the original Star Trek theme and going into really awful porn as being "marketable." Well...OK I suppose technically they ARE, but that's not really the way I want to make money, as both require great bursts of physical effort and would probably require fake names.

Today I'm going to make a tally of my skills, since I think it'll be good for my self esteem.

1. I know how to hem pants in a variety of ways. This is a skill I needed to learn, since I have a weird body shape and nothing fits straight off the rack. As I have no desire to shell out lots of money and wait weeks for alterations, I've learned that in addition to sewing, I can also use (and have used) duct tape, staples, gum (in an emergency), tacky glue, a rubber band around the ankle (socks will also work for this) and/or rubber cement.
2. I can shoot a rubber band with deadly accuracy by styling my hand into a sort of gun.
3. My arms are skinny enough that I can fit them into a collating machine, up the retrieval slot of a vending machine, and into the partly rolled down window of the car of some poor unfortunate soul who managed to lock the car door with the keys still in the ignition.
4. I know how to twist up my hair with any of the following: chopsticks or any sort of lightweight utensil, one pen, a pencil stub, a paperclip, my key ring or one of those pinchy file clip dealies.
6. I have mastered the art of killing time and looking busy, when all I'm really doing is making inappropriate pictures in MS Paint.
7. I can take off all my clothing while driving. Now, I don't do it all at ONCE, but a shirt here, pantyhose there, some pants...no problem! I can also put clothing back ON which comes in handy when I'm in need of a quick change.
8. I can also steer with my knees.
9. I know how to pick up tiny objects with my toes.
10. I can make first aid supplies with Purell, a hair rubber band, some pens and a few paper towels and tape.
11. I can run in heels.

These are the things I'm glad I focused on, rather than wasting my time with "neurosurgery" or "hostage negotiation." Pfffft!

Congratulations to Dan and Katie, who are getting married in August!
Marriage certainly is trendy right now. It's kind of like the new body piercing. At least this is a trend I approve of. Not like leggings. Boo!

In other news, I'm hungry. Make me a pie.

Today I had a doctor's appointment. If you've never had the thrill of going to the doctor's office on the day the Wellington Seniors' Bus comes to do their screenings, let me tell you it's an experience that will haunt my memory until the day I die, although that's probably another story. Anyway, I went because I had some throat stuff going on, and I figured I needed to get on antibiotics before it turned into something serious. I walked in and said "I think I have some sort of crazy, one-sided tonsilitis."

I tried to explain my medical history, thinking this would be easy, seeing as how I'd been to that office three times this year and it was right on the chart in front of the nurse's face. Despite this the nurse managed to get confused, but after I took my file from her and grabbed her pen and changed the things that needed to be changed myself we were able to move along. She did a strep culture, and I accidentally gagged on her and felt a little vindicated for having to write on my own file. Then Dr. Eric came in and poked my neck for three seconds, took a look at the golf ball in the one side of my throat and announced that I did indeed have some sort of crazy lopsided tonsilitis. He prescribed penicillin, which I also predicted. In fact, I had my doctor at the clinic ready on the phone so that he could cross reference the drugs I'm already on. It's funny how my preparedness irritates the nurse but makes the doctor's job so much faster, which in turn helps the office staff stay on schedule. You'd think they'd be glad to see a patient who didn't just step off the Wellington Senior Bus or something.

So now I'm on penicillin (kind of like your mom...BURN!) and it's expected to clear up within ten days, so hopefully this one swollen gland will go down and I won't be tired at 8 pm anymore.

That's my story. For the record, my throat hurts less than the knee I dropped a lamp on two days ago, so I suppose that's good. Also, I kind of sound like the pimply teenager on the Simpsons, so get your laughs in while you can, cause when I can bend my knee fully again I'll be able to chase you down and beat you. And I will.

Happy Fathers' Day!

Also, happy belated birthday to Joe C, who turned twenty-something-I-won't-tell yesterday. May his hangover be brief and as painless as possible.

I drew two more installments of "That's My Weezie." I'll post them as soon as I can get them scanned. By popular request it's going to become a regular comic about cats, and life in general. After all, who couldn't love this?

Whoops! Sorry---wrong image.

I'm going to get my own work area :) It'll either be a cubicle or a little desk area. And I'll get to put up pictures and maybe have a plant.

Is it wrong that this makes me feel sort of satisfied and secure?

I'm such a nerd.

Tomorrow is my first day as a paper-pusher. In preparation for my big day, I spent the last three days drinking. Here are some of the things I learned this girls' weekend:

1. Don't drink champagne with a straw. It increases the chances of it accidentally coming out of your nose during laughter. Because it will, and it will suck, especially if there are little chunks of fruit floating in it.
2. If you're going to push a van out of the mud, you should probably be wearing pants.
3. Don't try to stick your leg behind your head after you've been drinking. It WILL hurt the next morning, even if it doesn't hurt at the time. As a matter of fact, my legs STILL hurt.
4. Red jello shots will turn your tongue red after one. Green jello shots take 12.
5. Don't have 12 green jello shots for lunch if you've skipped breakfast.
6. A diet of cheese and sangria will do interesting things to your body.
7. When the sunscreen bottle says "keep away from eyelids," they mean it.
8. Metal WILL catch on fire.
9. If you're going to steal a piece of campground property with the intent of moving it to some place comical and hilarious in the night, make sure you do it AFTER everyone in the office has left for the evening.
10. If you're going to steal property in the night, you should probably scope out the area BEFORE you run through it, in flip flops, in the dark.
11. You can't flush toilet paper in a camper toilet.
12. Before you do something dumb, make sure there aren't three people with cameras waiting to capture you with no makeup or bra, wearing a pink "sundress" and a purple towel and sporting Princess Laia hair, making a total ass of yourself.
13. It's easier to get two people into a hammock than it is to get two people OUT of a hammock. And even if person two is your mother, that doesn't necessarily mean she's going to make it easier for you. She's going to be like the Mama Hen, and she's going to watch you struggle and grunt and contort yourself, as though it's going to somehow make you stronger in the struggle. It won't of course, but on girls' weekend we're all a little lazy.

Yeah.
Tomorrow will be a nice change of pace.

Did you know I can draw? You bet your sweet ass I can.
Tonight I drew a comic strip entitled "That's My Weezie," named after my chubby kitty, Louise. Some nameless people didn't seem to understand exactly what was going on in the strip, so I'll spell it out for ya before you read it. Although really I don't know why I should have to, seeing as how my artwork is so good.
Panel 1: I am getting ready for an interview. My pants are covered in cat hair.
Panel 2: I try pantyhose, which Jerome and Louise shred with glee.
Panel 3: Craziness ensues as the kitties decide to hide all my necessities right before I have to leave.
Panel 4: I cry a lot. Bryan makes an ironic remark.

It's a little tiny here, but click on it and you should get the full size scan.

Got it? Good.

1. Last night Bryan grounded me from reading celebrity gossip blogs. Hissssssssss!

2. This morning, I got my official job offer for a company in Cleveland. It's a really great company, and I had to work my butt off to get in. This is a good sign...at some companies they try to sell you on the job, and this wasn't like that. My benefits will start in AUGUST, instead of in 90 long days. I'm really excited to start.

Girls' weekend is this weekend. I'll be in Sullivan, Ohio, camping with some family and Lexi's family, and the Langes. We're going to wear big floppy hats (I'll have to post a pic of mine in the picture section...it's saucy!) and drink bloody marys for breakfast, and gossip. I'm going to wear lots of sunblock in the hopes that the freckles won't come back with a vengence. They're on their way out...slowly but surely.