I'm not sure if this is an Ohio thing, but in the past few years I've met a lot of AAA Evengelical types, people who can't fathom owning a car or even a bike without subscribing to this service. I understand that a lot of people use AAA and a lot of people like it, and that's OK. The people I don't understand are the people whose answer for EVERYTHING auto-related is to call AAA.

I've never used AAA, but my friends and family have, and it seems to me like the people who really like AAA are either the people who have never used it, or the people who use it solely for their mapping services.

Let me tell you a story about AAA. When I say I've never "used" AAA, I am referring to never having used the towing service. They once towed my parents' car to a lot (I guess it was a lot, although mom made it sound like it was slightly less legitimate than that) whose hours did not match up with business hours and who would not release the car to them unless they were there at something like 2 in the afternoon. Every day that they could not come, they were charged $100. They couldn't pay the fee if they couldn't work, and since they were working they couldn't get their car...I don't know all the details, but I get the impression that it was less of a car lot than it was a sham business organization. That's not the story I originally set out to type, but it's kind of a good prelude I suppose. My Color Guard frequently travels to marching competitions in other states. The year we were travelling to Charlotte, North Carolina, one of our group ("Uncle Stan") looked up a four-star hotel in his AAA travel book. Keep in mind throughout this whole tale that this hotel was highly lauded by the AAA travel guide. We assumed we'd be resting our heads in style.

Our first sign that this would not be the case came early. Upon reaching the hotel, we saw a giant neon sign proclaiming "$99 monthly rates." I asked my dad what this meant, and he said it meant that drug dealers and child molesters probably lived there while evading the law. "Oh." I replied, thinking he was bullshitting me since my dad kind of has a habit of doing that.

Turns out he wasn't REALLY joking. One of the rooms we booked turned out to have a broken window with blood and glass on the bed and floor. My room didn't have a phone or towels, and everything was bolted down. I sort of figured that maybe there was a reasonable explanation for all of it, and I went with my lady Vikki to get a phone from the front desk. Well...turns out the problem wasn't so much that I didn't have a phone as it was that the room didn't have a working phone jack. Someone had ripped it from the wall. We couldn't switch rooms, so Vikki and I decided just to go hang out by the pool, where we were immediately accosted by some drug dealers. And when I say drug dealers, I mean actual legitimate drug dealers. One of them had a backpack with drugs in it, and he was flashing them around. When we went to bed, they paraded outside our room banging on the window and the door. We couldn't call for help, so we huddled together in the bathtub, bathroom door locked, with my Algebra book for protection since all the furniture was bolted down. When we complained to my parents the next morning, it turns out they hadn't fared much better. Seems a gang of drunken people screaming in Spanish had kept the other half of the hotel up by sitting on other peoples' cars out front and generally making asses of themselves. We left, and stayed at a non AAA approved hotel. When we called AAA to complain, they didn't seem all that concerned. Turns out their "approval" process (at least at the time this all happened) was pretty much just to have people fax in their hotel amenities. No visit, no inspection, obviously no search of local police records. So, hurrah, AAA!

I understand these were probably two unique situations, but I don't really feel like taking my chances. Some people really don't seem to understand this, however. "You don't have AAA?!" they will ask me, incredulous looks crossing their donut-stuffed faces. "Why would I?" I ask, eating a donut myself. "What if you're traveling out of town and your car breaks down?" they ask, shocked. Apparently the AAA evangelists think cell phones and directory assistance don't exist outside of the perimeters of their own counties. I've had people INSIST that as I am a young lady who travels alone sometimes, that I NEED AAA or I'm going to end up stranded in some God-forsaken desert with pimps and hookers as my only travel companions. I find this incredibly insulting, this assumption that I need some cut-rate travel service in order to find my way in the world.

See, this is my main problem with AAA. Sure, there are other objections. I think it's kind of pricey, considering that I *might* need to use it once every three years, when the cost of a non AAA tow is $50, and considering I can use the internet and the phone book to do all my trip planning. Sometimes I like to take a gander at a AAA map, but I'm not going to pay a yearly fee for that. Price isn't my main objection.

I think AAA makes people unable to think for themselves. Seriously, how do you think our ancestors survived all those years when they didn't have AAA? Now we have cell phones and 411 and OnStar...we're all a bunch of big old non-survivalist goobers. I've had people try to use the argument that I might find myself in a place where my cell phone doesn't work. Technically, if I'm in a place where my cell phone isn't working, AAA isn't going to do me any damn good, is it? What, am I going to stand on the highway and scream "AAA!!!" as loudly as possible until someone flags me down?

When I locked my keys in my car, I called the police. I'm paying for them, and it's their job to protect and serve. They unlocked my car in two mintues. If my car breaks down, I will dial directory assistance and call a tow truck. I know how to change my own tire. I keep my tank filled so that I don't run out of gas, but heaven forbid I get a leak, I would call the cops for that, too. If I was uncertain about who to call, I would call my car insurance company and ask them to recommend someone. Hell, I'm paying for that as well, so I might as well use it.

If you feel more comfortable with AAA, fine, use it, that's great. We all like being comfortable. But don't use AAA as a crutch, or as an excuse to not know how to do things yourself. And for the love of God, stop trying to push it on me, OK? I don't want to use AAA, I don't need it, and I don't approve of it. I don't care if you have a coupon. Get off my damn lawn.