After living with little Stephen Tyler Jr. for a few weeks, I think I've gotten a pretty good grasp of communicating with a creature who expresses all of his excitement through grasping and humping (much like the original Stephen Tyler, who also expresses emotions through grunting and bonging beer.)

Here are some common puppy thoughts and the actions they use to express them.

"I want to go outside."--Puppy will demonstrate this by piddling on the carpet in small streams as he runs around the house, ignoring your calls of "wanna go outside?" When you finally leash him and get him down the stairs, he will wee on the stairs. Upon getting him outside he will become afraid of the snow and try to mate with your leg.

"I'm hungry."--Puppy will chew everything he can get his little fangs on. When you dump food into his bowl, he will ignore it and try to eat the cats' food instead.

"I'm sleepy."--Puppy will try to claw his way up onto your couch, and when he finally gets up will proceed to try to bite at your face and arms. He will then wait for you to scream "go to your basket or I'm selling you for medical experiments" to go to his basket and sleep. I think maybe violent threats are sort of like lullibies to puppies, because Lord only knows when I try to pet him to calm him down he gets all agitated.

"I want to hump."--Even though puppy does not quite have the equipment for such an action yet, puppy will proceed to latch onto the lady of the house and try to ride her leg. When she kicks him off, he will latch onto the other leg. It will continue for several minutes, him grasping her thighs and humping at the air while she spins around in circles trying to throw him off until she says "the hell with it" and drags him and her lame leg over to the fridge to get a beer. Repeat.

"I'm stupid."--Puppy will express this thought pretty much all of the time, whether is asking to go out, humping, or trying to molest the cats. Puppy will express this thought by chewing on virtually everything, including electrical cords, hair, and the bathroom wall.

"I don't know how my ancestors survived in the wild."--Perhaps the weirdest thing of all about dogs is that they've managed to come this far. They're afraid of everything when they're young, except that which can kill them. This is why they will gladly jump off a balcony without a second thought, but won't get their paws wet. They will eat things that aren't food, attack the cats and then crouch under the toilet hiding when they back him under it, despite the fact that the cats have their paws deadened by rubber claw-condoms called "soft claws." Puppies will express their genetic bastardization constantly by doing the dumbest things imaginable, and it's only their soft little fuzzy faces that keep us from wanting to strangle them.

I'm told he'll be better in a little while, and I guess compared to his brother "Gringo" he's not doing too badly. Still, I think Jerome, Louise and I will all be a little happier when he's not doing stupid things, like getting stuck behind the bed and crying at 2 am when there's clearly a large escape route right to his left, or flipping over his water dish and then crying because his water has touched the ground.

No, puppy ownership isn't for everyone.
Stephen Tyler Junior, grow up soon.