No thanks, I'm having tea.
My friend Laura is getting married in a few weeks, and I am a bridesmaid. My duties include wearing a pink dress, processing, and helping out with the bridal shower tomorrow. Now, I've only thrown one bridal shower in my time, and it was for my cousin Jess. We managed to fit something like thirty women in my parents' house, and I don't remember there being food, but I know there was coffee and wine. It was a lot of fun but not really what you would call a high class affair. I didn't even HAVE a bridal shower because I hate planning things and I REALLY didn't want to spend four hours opening bags of towels and saying "awwwww!" I understand I can't hold everyone to my standards (which are very low) because I am pretty much a man without a penis when it comes to things like weddings and babies. I'm not really so sure about either, but I know both are expensive and I'd be happy if someone else just took care of the whole deal.
With the exception of Vikki and Jen, my friends are not like that. In an effort to respect Laura and her vision of a pretty princess wedding, I volunteered to make tea sandwiches for this bridal shower. Tea sandwiches! They're ladylike, they're aesthetic, they involve healthy things such as cucumber and fresh herbs. I like to try new recipes! I can whip them up in twenty minutes!
Ha ha ha. It turns out that ladylike tea sandwiches are NOT ladylike in any fashion up until that final moment when you place them on fine china and some sort of lacy table decoration. (They are also not, as I explained to my father this evening, sandwiches made with tea bags.)
Lady Sandwich Fallacies:
1. They are healthy and dainty.
2. A lady can whip them up in five minutes, in between caring for her bi-lingual twins and ironing her white lace pinafores.
3. They are dunkable.
4. A proper lady can whip them up with things she usually finds in her kitchen.
5. Sandwiches involve little to no clean-up.
Lady Sandwich Truths:
1. They contain more fat than your average Krispy Kreme doughnut. They also ooze and squish and are damn near impossible to keep inside their own bread boundaries. Currently my cucumber paste is trying to mingle with the braunschweger-goat cheese and I'm pretty sure it's going to taste as disgusting as it sounds. They also want to fall apart, something I hope will fix itself after a night in the fridge.
2. A lady can NOT whip them up in five minutes. A lady must utilize food processors, various knives, spoons, bowels, cheesecloth, a microwave oven, toothpicks and, in my case, a bottle of Fantastik spray.
3. You probably should not dunk these sandwiches in tea. They are dangerous. They will slop garlic powder and mayonnaise and onions all up in your tea and you will probably become very ill.
4. I don't know what most people keep in their fridges, but I ended up buying an awful lot of pork products and cream cheese. Don't get me wrong, I love cream cheese, but I'm lactose intolerant and I don't usually keep whole pints of it in waiting for the perfect finger food. I also do not usually carry mini rye and pumpernickle breads, nor do I carry various meat spreads.
5. My whole kitchen is now covered in flecks of dairy and various processed meats and smells like onions and bacon grease. I tried to rinse out the food processor and ended up just spraying it everywhere. The grease has caused it to fuse to the plastic surfaces, and as it is 11:30 and as I've already had one giant fishbowl margarita, I'm going to say screw it.
Also, a word of warning, if you've ever looked at Armour brand potted ham spread and thought "hmm, it's probably just like ham salad!" you should probably push that thought aside right now. I opened the tin and it was orange. Ham spread should not be that color. I tasted it and I thought I was going to lose my margarita right there over the stove. The cats wouldn't even eat it, and the cats are pretty much whores for any kind of food. . We threw it out. Armour, please take this product off the shelves.
I have to admit that tastewise the sandwiches turned out pretty good, and I hope people can at least tolerate them tomorrow. Still, next time one of my friends gets married, I'm hoping she just decides she wants something easier and with fewer ingredients, such as lasagna, or a recipe for cold fusion. Or maybe just a pizza. Doesn't anyone order pizza anymore?
With the exception of Vikki and Jen, my friends are not like that. In an effort to respect Laura and her vision of a pretty princess wedding, I volunteered to make tea sandwiches for this bridal shower. Tea sandwiches! They're ladylike, they're aesthetic, they involve healthy things such as cucumber and fresh herbs. I like to try new recipes! I can whip them up in twenty minutes!
Ha ha ha. It turns out that ladylike tea sandwiches are NOT ladylike in any fashion up until that final moment when you place them on fine china and some sort of lacy table decoration. (They are also not, as I explained to my father this evening, sandwiches made with tea bags.)
Lady Sandwich Fallacies:
1. They are healthy and dainty.
2. A lady can whip them up in five minutes, in between caring for her bi-lingual twins and ironing her white lace pinafores.
3. They are dunkable.
4. A proper lady can whip them up with things she usually finds in her kitchen.
5. Sandwiches involve little to no clean-up.
Lady Sandwich Truths:
1. They contain more fat than your average Krispy Kreme doughnut. They also ooze and squish and are damn near impossible to keep inside their own bread boundaries. Currently my cucumber paste is trying to mingle with the braunschweger-goat cheese and I'm pretty sure it's going to taste as disgusting as it sounds. They also want to fall apart, something I hope will fix itself after a night in the fridge.
2. A lady can NOT whip them up in five minutes. A lady must utilize food processors, various knives, spoons, bowels, cheesecloth, a microwave oven, toothpicks and, in my case, a bottle of Fantastik spray.
3. You probably should not dunk these sandwiches in tea. They are dangerous. They will slop garlic powder and mayonnaise and onions all up in your tea and you will probably become very ill.
4. I don't know what most people keep in their fridges, but I ended up buying an awful lot of pork products and cream cheese. Don't get me wrong, I love cream cheese, but I'm lactose intolerant and I don't usually keep whole pints of it in waiting for the perfect finger food. I also do not usually carry mini rye and pumpernickle breads, nor do I carry various meat spreads.
5. My whole kitchen is now covered in flecks of dairy and various processed meats and smells like onions and bacon grease. I tried to rinse out the food processor and ended up just spraying it everywhere. The grease has caused it to fuse to the plastic surfaces, and as it is 11:30 and as I've already had one giant fishbowl margarita, I'm going to say screw it.
Also, a word of warning, if you've ever looked at Armour brand potted ham spread and thought "hmm, it's probably just like ham salad!" you should probably push that thought aside right now. I opened the tin and it was orange. Ham spread should not be that color. I tasted it and I thought I was going to lose my margarita right there over the stove. The cats wouldn't even eat it, and the cats are pretty much whores for any kind of food. . We threw it out. Armour, please take this product off the shelves.
I have to admit that tastewise the sandwiches turned out pretty good, and I hope people can at least tolerate them tomorrow. Still, next time one of my friends gets married, I'm hoping she just decides she wants something easier and with fewer ingredients, such as lasagna, or a recipe for cold fusion. Or maybe just a pizza. Doesn't anyone order pizza anymore?
posted at 11:11 PM
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