I think that there is a big difference between "crafty" people and "handy" people. Of course by crafty, I mean crafty in the County Fair sense, not crafty in "well, he seemed all right until he robbed that bank" sense.

I'm sure there are a million definitions of "crafty." Someone who makes things with his hands. Someone who utilizes raw materials to create something greater than their origin (see: Gestalt, and also "life"). By this definition ANYONE is crafty. I made a pot roast yesterday, in between sitting with my head between my knees to prevent passing out(there was a wee sudden drop in blood pressure problem, until I called the Cleveland Clinic and got THAT straightened out) and watching pre-recorded science documentaries. By the either definition making a pot roast could be considered a craft. I was a Craftswoman, and my materials were meat and potatoes.

I think the above definitions are too generic. Painting my toenails would become crafty, instead of just vain. Piss on that.

I equate crafts with creepy porcelain dolls. With Precious Moments knick-knacks, and Things That Require Dusting. Not to insult people who collect porcelain dolls---I'm sure they're very unique and beautiful. It's just that their eyes always follow me and, well, I'm neurotic. Crafting, by my definition, is Art that I, personally, would rather not deal with.

Ah, see...I'm sure I'm going to offend people now. I know that Art is relative. The creative process inspires one to create that which makes the given situation or reality either more clear or more beautiful than it already is, and therefore serves a purpose, blah blah, insert pithy sophomore-level art appreciation class style debate here. I get that. I like art. I love photography. I love sculpture. I love things which take time and effort and make you use your mind, things which inspire me to want to create myself. A mass-produced ceramic goose does not inspire me. It does not make me look outside with fresh eyes and think "wow...it really IS beautiful, isn't it?" No, it makes me curse and scream as I trip over it for the thousandth time coming down Vikki's porch stairs and breaking (yet another) toe.

There are millions of people out there who would disagree. Still--I will forever equate "crafts" with "kitsch" and the Lorain County Fair.

Handy is something I would rather aspire to. When I think of someone who is handy, I imagine engineering. Beauty, structure, utilization. My father in law that mad-brilliant engineer type. He can look at a patch of concrete, envision a garage, and BAM! Two weeks later it's there. Effortlessly.

My brother The Skipper once worked with a man who couldn't accept things the way they were. Everything could be improved. His desk had arm rests nailed haphazardly to it and the chair was embellished with a cushion made out of a pack of toilet tissue covered with someone's abandoned flannel shirt.

Handy---not aesthetic, really, but functional.

When I make something, I want it to be a combination of crafty and handy. I want it to be aesthetic but also USEFUL, form following function and all that intellectual jazz.

Sure there are lapses---on Girls' Weekend we like to make wind chimes out of empty bottles and random pretty things we find laying around the campground. But I maintain that they are SORT of functional, in that they remain tied to the camper and no one has to dust them.

Still, I try to discriminate a little. I don't really need more things cluttering up my surfaces. Where would I put my million bottles of sunblock?

Obviously there are limits to this combining of craft and utility---a knit bow tie may be functional, but it doesn't appeal to my aesthetic. Similarly, a knit doily may be delicately beautiful, but damned if I know what I'm going to do with one. If the Good Lord wanted me to use a doily, he wouldn't have created the person who invented free disposable bar coasters.

So here's a little guide (barring semi-drunken lapses into crazy craft lady or weird McGuiver-land)

Things I will make:
Scarves, socks, mittens, gloves, all sorts of outerwear and/or accessory style items that allow for use and personalization, washcloths, blankets

Things I will NOT make:
Wine bottle covers, teddy bear sweaters, fuzzy dice, "willy warmers" or mini socks

I'll leave those for people with more imagination than I.

See? Not only am I elderly, I am also boring.

I know my niche.