First, the title of this post is a statement that was actually made to me the day before I left. I'm pretty sure the person who said it was joking, only today as I was preparing to fly back home from Florida I looked in my giant carry-on and saw the following:
A partially-knit worsted weight cotton shawl on wooden needles.
A book of "Garfield" brand easy crosswords (99 cents)
Fisherman's Friend menthol cough drops
Eye cream for "tired skin."
Spare pantyhose (from when? When was the last time I wore hose instead of stockings? I don't even remember!)
After-dinner mints
A wad of toilet paper to use as kleenex should a sudden sinus flare up occur on the plane.
I realized that Michelle my co-worker was correct. I AM old. AND bossy. And crotchety, apparently. As we were waiting for the plane, I sat down with my knitting and was concentrating on a particularly annoying series of dropped stitches when I heard a snotty voice ask "are you CLEVELAND SPORTS fans?" (I was wearing a Browns sweatshirt and Bryan was in orange and brown.) Thinking the speaker was a smart-ass teenager, I turned towards her and started with "Am I a Cleveland fan?" (Imagine this being said with extreme sarcasm while I tugged on sweatshirt and faced the speaker so that Browns logo was visible) "what do YOU think?" At that point I realized that the speaker was a large-eyed eleven year old and that her question was totally innocent, she was just trying to be an adult and start up a chat with a friendly stranger. Crap! Mentally reeling (as her mother started to apologize to me for her overly friendly children while frantically shushing her daughter) I nervously laughed a few times and plastered a big smile on my face and babbled about how last night's playoff game was such a disappointment and tried to save myself by holding a brief conversation with her about Disneyworld. Everyone relaxed and I released a mental "Whew!" I felt like an ass, but in my defense (since I feel that I have to justify the fact that I am small and yet still extremely aggressive) the LAST time someone sneered in my direction about being a Cleveland fan it was a very annoying man in Quizno's downtown who thought he was being the smartest, most charming thing ever, when clearly a simple "hi ladies, how are you?" would have been a much better intro to a conversation. Not to mention far less insulting.

Fortunately that story does not in any way describe my entire trip, which was delightful. I was unable to catch a pig since I am over 18 and therefore (a-ha! This is where I tie in my title again!) "too old." I was very disappointed because greased pig wrestling has to be the funniest thing I've ever seen. Part of the fun is that there are rules to prevent injuring the pig in any way, so people were tending to dive too early to avoid hurting the poor little thing, and would end up with a face full of mud, instead of a handful of hoof. My favorite part was when they had the four and five year olds try to catch a baby pig, because they let the parents into the mud pit to make sure no one falls down and gets hurt---hilarious! Especially the little girls in pigtails being followed closely by big, burly country dads. I realize that when I discuss Florida in this blog many people are probably wrongly assuming that I am speaking of the Florida with white sand and warm gulf water and wide, sparkling streets. The permanent vacation Florida, as it were. No, sorry, I was actually in Webster Florida, which is totally landlocked and very...I'm trying to think of a nice word...southern. Not in the "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers" way, but the type of southern where when you are talking about it you peer around to make sure no locals are listening before whispering "southern" behind the back of your hand. I love my in-laws, but I would never want to live there. (Finding a big beetle in the bed the first night did not help any, and finding a banana spider the next day sort of sealed that thought.)

Yes, this trip was certainly more satisfying than the whole "sponge museum" debacle of 2006. I had a good time, although Florida is still too hot and humid, and the more populous parts remind me of Parma, Ohio.

Upon our return, we learned that our cat sitter (who shall remain nameless) managed to lock her house key in one of the days and this person and a family member had to skulk around the front yard in socks to break in. Luckily one of the windows was left unlocked. I wish I had video of this event. Sorry the crock pot lid was on that chair under the window! That was not planned, I promise. *shifty eyes*

Anyway, now I am back and work will resume as normal tomorrow. I'm very nervous to see what has been left for me in the two days I was out. With any luck they just knocked all of the files off my credenza and set fire to them and I will come back to a clean desk. It probably won't happen, but a girl can dream, can't she?

Aaaaaaahhhhhh, Ohio.
It's good to be back!