Yesterday after I arrived at urgent care the doctor made me go through a whole physical exam, complete with him bopping me over the head a few times and asking "does that hurt?" ("No, but I'm gonna hurt YOU in a minute!") I know he was really checking my pressure points, lymph areas and glands, so I refrained from murder long enough to learn that I have "probably a virus, but you may have some underlying bacterial something as well...I don't know, it's Christmas and I'm feeling generous, so I will gift you some antibiotics. Do you have insurance?" He said all this in a jolly tone of voice, tacky Christmas tie wobbling before my red, watery eyes. I think I like him.

One of the fabulous but less advertised side effects of severe colds is the loss of face which accompanies them. Beauty magazines always offer their own little symptom relievers, trying to convince you that even when sick you are expected to look perky and perfect, when you really just want to drink a whole tub of soup and pass out face first in the shag carpeting. This pisses me off, although I guess it's more professional to say that you "may" have some relief with cold washcloths, instead of typing "ha ha ha! You will look like pasty, clammy, swollen and puffy ass for the next four days!"

Aunty Stepho is prepared to offer some beauty tips for those who are suffering from terrible colds and who could use a little help this holiday season.

1. Wear a big cheery holiday sweatshirt. Tis is the season to be tacky, y'all. Also, it can hide the fact that underneath it, you are still in your thermal pajama t-shirt. (It will also hide the fact that you've been curled on the couch eating comfort food for four days.) The more colors and tacky designs there are, the better to hide that shrimp dip you spilled down your chest when you sneezed at the same time you dipped.

2. I feel stabby, oh so stabby..."What do you mean, 'what happened to you'! Something's about to happen to YOU!" Lunge in an irrational manner. Repeat as needed.

3. Rudolph nose paint. It will hide the redness. Maybe you don't NEED paint? Add some antlers. Sexy!

4. Acupressure? This might be valid. I just tried the one where you put your two fingers on the outside of your nose and press for a minute. It's supposed to help with puffiness and congestion. It may be a lot of horseshit, but I did just blow my nose about fifteen times and I am breathing through my nose now, so I am beginning to suspect there may be something to it. Or else I actually did have a sinus infection and the pills I'm on are starting to work. Hard to say. It's worth a shot.

5. Whatever happened to Baby Jane? I don't know, but I'm about to go steal her makeup tips. Lots of blush, I think. And maybe a big ass bow perched on top of my head. "She'd be an ok looking girl, if she didn't slap on all that makeup," is what people will think. Much preferable to "she'd be an ok looking girl, if she didn't have those dark circles and those red eyes and that puffy face and bizarre dry skin." Let the imagination work towards subtraction, not towards "good God, did Liza Minelli over there just get off a four day bender?"

6. Whining. Pity will get you all sorts of things. Free food, trips to and from the car or the kitchen, housework done...remember, it's not "laziness," it's "resting comfortably."

Well, those are all I can think of right now. I'm going to go try to blow out my hair, because I slept on it wet and...well...my cold is sort of the least of the problems with my physical appearance right now. I totally look like Garth from Wayne's World!

Ho ho ho!