Surprise! I didn't die! I seem to drive better when screaming in fear. Hrm.

Anyway, I'm very excited today because I am knitting again!
Unfortunately, when I tried to pick up where I left off on the blue cabled socks I couldn't remember where I'd stopped in my pattern. So I tried to make an educated guess and...well...of course I didn't realize my mistake until I'd knit quite a few rows. So I frogged out the errors and decided to start the SECOND sock, and when I get to the point where I had to stop the first one I'll know exactly where I was in the pattern. Brilliant? Indeed.

They're going to be lovely when they're done. I'm estimating July of 2023 as their estimated completion date. I figure I'll set my goals broadly and then I'll feel amazing when I finish them earlier. Let's hear it for low standards!!!

One day I am going to make a lot of money with absolutely no effort and I will spend my free time on my porch, reading, knitting and listening to 90s music. Since that won't be happening any time soon, I am going to go do laundry so that I have pants to wear to work in the morning.

In other issues, do you people think that I'm emo? Because I suspect that I am. I mean, the dumb haircut, the whining...that's emo, right?

Today I attempt to drive a stick shift to work. During rush hour. Behind a few school buses. In an area with red lights scattered like sprinkles along the roadways. And also some construction I think.

Eeep, indeed.

If I make it out alive tonight we're going to fatburger to celebrate life.

Today on our way to the Memorial Day parade my car suddenly decided to just stop shifting. Since I have an automatic transmission, this is sort of a terrifying thing. There's no control, just a lot of shaking and a nose like a defective vacuum.

Mom picked up me and Jen and we proceeded to go to the Memorial services.
Why are all patriotic poems terrible? Why are all mayors long-winded? If you were giving a public speech wouldn't you write it out first? Would you have the audacity for your speech to be "As Lincoln said, 'Four score and seven years ago...'" and proceed to recite Lincoln's speech?

Afterwards I ate a plate of German potato salad and mom drove me home. I assumed that I'd just be pampered and chauffeured all next week while we learn that my transmission is probably totally shot and that it won't be covered under warranty (because that's how car stuff works)but apparently Bryan had other plans. He decided to take me out and teach me how to drive stick so that I can drive his car.

I sort of have a stick phobia, because in my experience I spend the whole ride bunny hopping while the person trying to teach me screams "let out the clutch" and I shout "it IS let out!" And then I stop in an intersection, screaming while cars swerve and honk around me. Well, today I did much better. Not so well reversing, but in my defense there was a small child on the sidewalk looking horrified as I tried to get the hang of "reverse" and Bryan sputtered at me in a frustrated manner. I was more concentrating on yelling "sorry" and not rolling into him than I was in letting out the clutch smoothly.

Still, I did OK, although at frightening moments I do tend to scream "no no no" and "scary scary scary" while closing my eyes and blindly jamming the shifter dealey in any random sort direction hoping to find the right gear.

Despite the horror, I did sort of enjoy myself I hope tomorrow I do not accidentally take out any motorists. I suppose that's why the good Lord invented car insurance.

My arms, shoulders and ribs REALLY hurt for reasons that I won't get into. In a few hours I have to go march in a parade and twirl a damn flag. Should I go smelling like Ben-Gay?

Last night we walked from Skip's apartment to the bar, and I'm pretty sure that the walk to and from, combined with the dancing, equaled 26 miles and that I should get marathon credit.

We were blistered, but responsible. Well...sort of responsible. As responsible as you can be at 2:30 a.m. walking back from a bar.

We went to Denny's at three a.m. and saw some girl with "Brat" written across the back of her pants lecturing some guy on "respect." I'm not really sure what her problem was, but there were cop cars in the lot shortly after. I think that the cops should just park at Denny's all night long, sort of like how the EMTs park at the mall all weekend.

Now I'm going to barbecue with my parents. I hope there's pie. I like pie.

I have half of a "brilliant" post in my head comparing and contrasting "Fight Club" and "Dhalgren" which is just obscure and nerdy enough to amuse me and not mean anything to you people out there in blog land, but it's 8:46, I haven't eaten anything and I desperately need to wash my hair before I go and get it colored. So you get nothing. Nothing!

Nah, I lied.

Today I want for one of my ritual blood tests at one of the Cleveland Clinic satellites and was astounded to hear an easy listening Muzak version of the M.A.S.H. theme song. I appeared to be the only person in the waiting room who found it hilarious. I hummed along for awhile, probably annoying the hell out of the man next to me. M.A.S.H.! Imagine! I have sort of a "thing" for Alan Alda, not only because he's tall and wry, but also because he narrates science documentaries and I'm a huge putz who actually tapes and watches those. I hear he's kind of an ass in real life, but I'm kind of an ass in real life too.

I've been giving myself daily goals, something to achieve each day so that I get in the practice of making a plan, examining approaches, and executing said plan.

Wednesday my goal was to sort and put away my laundry. Achieved!
Thursday my goal was to have a Bloody Mary. I was almost thwarted by a lack of mix, but then I found ANOTHER mix in the fridge. Lord only knows how old it was. I mixed the mixes and it tasted pretty bad so I spiced it myself and you know what? It wasn't bad! Achieved!!!
Friday my goal was to...um...oh yes! Prepare my alarm so that I could wake up and get to my blood test before nine. Achieved!

This weekend my goal is to find a tote bag and an organizer, so that I am no longer using an inside out tote bag that says "TaNails...Lions, Tigers & Tans, Oh My!" on it when I go to work. I've been carrying the TaNails bag as an ironic statement since I'm super white and avoid the sun like the Devil Himself, and my nails are usually bitten and ugly. Still, it's probably time I found something that I could use to carry an organizer and my knitting, something that at least tries to look professional. I need to embrace the fact that I am elderly, instead of just trying to hide it and embarrassing myself when I pull my wallet out of my way too small purse and sock needles fall out all over the place.

Ooh, it's breakfast time.

I think my last day at my second job is tomorrow. Or it could have been Saturday. I'm not really sure because I've been told not to come in every day since Saturday, and as I asked for tomorrow to be my last day yet have not worked at all this week---well, I'm just not sure. Will they call me in on principle? Or will I get to stay late at my day job tomorrow and chauffeur someone all the way to Middleburg Heights in exchange for free and brake work? Only time will tell.

Today I realized it's May. May 23rd, no less. I'm not sure why this is such a shock. Surely I see this date flashing on my phone all day long. I type it rather frequently. I even laugh at other people for not knowing the day. Yet somehow the fact that it's the end of May has totally sneaked up behind me and whacked me thusly on the back of the head. Damn you, time!

In an effort to get back to blogging, I decided to do what my brother "The Skipper" (also known on the internet as InstantRice) does and use the Iron Man Blogging Competition contest topic of the day for a little inspiration. Skip was technically disqualified because of his raging venereal disease---er---because of his failure to post on April 7th. Pooooor Skipper.

It appears that today's topic is "Is China the Next Super Power?"

My answer to this questions is "dare to dream." Sure! China can be the next super power if it wants to. Let's all take turns! China has a lot in their favor. Lots of land, several differing climates and geographical regions, the Mandarin language (which I'm told is the most spoken language in the world), and a lot of different ways of cooking tofu. After that I think maybe New Zealand should get to be a super power because they're sort of like the redheaded stepchild to Australia. I imagine people from NZ are often complimented on their cool "Australian" accents all the time, and I also imagine that makes them spit with rage.

Sometimes I think it would be cool to be the leader of a super power, but then I think about LeBron James. In case you live in a bubble and don't know who LeBron James is, he's a very young and very talented basketball player from the Cleveland Area. People call him various sporting type nicknames such as "King James" and the "L-Train" and most recently "LBJ," which I misunderstood and took for "Linden B. Johnson." I was really shocked that they were bring up history at a basketball game and was remarking that more people should remember our past leaders when Bryan pointed out that I am both elderly and insane and that LBJ now stands for LeBron James, and I'd be a fool to forget it.

Anyway, yes, LeBron and Super Powers. There was a connection there, and....ah! I remember what I was posting about again. When the team does well everyone gives him praise and talks about how he's the next Michael Jordan, but when someone else fails a shot they criticize him for not knowing not to pass the ball. However, if he stopped passing the ball he'd be criticized for being a ball hog. He gets all the glory and all of the hate at the same time. I know this is a much smaller scale thing than an actual world leader would face, but I'm pretty sure the same sort of comparison would apply.

Heck, if China wants to be a super power they can be my guest. Not that it's really UP to me, but, I figure I might as well acquiesce while the acquiescing's good.

Here's a stupid little survey for girls. Guys, don't even bother reading because you won't care. Girls--read, copy, paste, do.


The Ultimate Girly Survey
xX. First Things First .Xx
You are a girl, right?: Yes
So what's your name, then?: Stephanie
And you're how old?: um...seventeen??? *shifty eyes*
Where do you live?: Ohio
Are you seeing someone, or are you available?: I am married.
xX. So, Tell Me About Yourself .Xx
How tall are you?: 5'5"
What do you weigh, if you don't mind my asking?: 110 I think
What would you consider your body type to be?: short, yet masculine
What size do you wear?: I have no idea. Womens' sizes are bullshit.
What size are your feet?: 7
How long is your hair?: Almost shoulder length
And what color is it?: brown
Is it natural, or dyed?: dyed, baby
Is it straight, curly, wavy, or something else altogether?: crazy wavy
And is it naturally that way, or made to do so?: It's coming in that way
What color are your eyes?: blue
If you could change their color, what would they be?: black like my heart
Do you have freckles?: ew, yes
If you do, do you wish you didn't / If you don't, so you wish you did?: I hate them and am always seeking ways to bleach them. Freckles totally suck.
Do you wear glasses or contacts, or have you ever?: I wear contacts AND glasses. Not together though. That would be silly.
Do you, or have you ever had braces?: Never
xX. Getting Yourself Together .Xx
How long does it take you to shower?: Depends if I have to shave anything. I AM Scottish, and, well, apparently it's very cold in Scotland.
How long does it take you to pick an outfit and get dressed?: I usually run around in my underwear till I can pull something sort of professional and matching out of the dryer. I don't really "plan" my "outfits."
Do you tend to co-ordinate your outfits carefully, or throw on whatever?: see above
Matchy-matchy shoes and bags, or no?: piss on that
xX. Get Your Game Face On .Xx
Do you wear foundation?: just under my eyes
Do you wear bronzer?: no
How about blush?: depends on how ghastly I look on that particular morning
Do you prefer lipstick, lipgloss, or both?: I wear Vaseline on my lips. Sometimes it's fun trying to explain to people why I carry around Vaseline. I usually just like to smile and say "you never know when you're going to need a good lubricant."
Do you wear eyeshadow, typically?: no
What colors do you most often wear?: black, white and blue
Do you wear eyeliner?: only when I'm going out
Basic black, or other colors?: grey or plum
How about mascara?: depends on how terrible I look that morning
Do you curl your eyelashes as well, or no?: no
How many coats of mascara do you usually apply?: Um, I sort of wave the wand haphazardly at my face and blink really fast and hope some makes it on there, so, maybe like a half a coat if I'm lucky.
Which make-up brands are your personal favorites?: I use Bare Minerals for an undereye concealer
And in total, how long does all this usually take?: Usually I only use an eyebrow pencil which takes all of five seconds. If I'm getting "made up" give me fifteen minutes.
xX. Hairy Situation .Xx
Do you wash your hair daily?: No, it would never dry! I have very thick hair. Unless I've been exercising or sweating, every other day.
Do you condition daily?: No.
Do you use a leave-in conditioner?: No.
What brand of shampoo do you use?: Any color safe stuff that's on sale.
How about your conditioner and/or leave-in?: See above.
Do you tend to use specialty products?: Color treated stuff, since brown hair dye fades.
Do you blow dry your hair regularly, or just air dry it?: Air dry.
Do you straighten it daily?: No, I straighten it every other day.
Do you ever curl it, or style it in any other way?: Somedays, like today, I say the hell with it and wear it weird and fro-like.
Do you, or have you ever dyed or highlighted your hair?: I've dyed it since I was 17.
From a bottle, or do you frequent the salon for that?: Bottle!
Do you have a lot of split ends?: No.
Do you cut your hair regularly to avoid split ends?: No, because every time I get it cut it ends up looking, well, pretty much like it looks now. And that's bad.
How long does it take you to get your hair done on a regular day?: Fifteen minutes---which is precisely why I do it every other day. I hate complicated hair.
xX. Otherwise... .Xx
Do you take good care of your nails?: No.
Do you chew your nails at all?: Sometimes my thumbnail when I'm stressed.
Do you frequently wear nail polish?: Usually just toenails.
Do you get manicures, or acrylics at all?: No.
Do you get pedicures?: No.
What nail polish brand is your favorite?: Cheap stuff.
What nail polish colors do you most wear?: Neutral pinks or deep reds.
Glitter - yes or no?: No, but I just realized the stuff I put on has a little in it. Oh well.
Do you wear perfume?: Yes.
Do you have coordinating perfume-lotion-bodywash-etc. combos?: No.
What perfume do you wear?: I wear mens' Bulgari. Sometimes ladies' Candies.
Do you have many perfumes, or just one regular one?: 1
If you have many, what are they?:
xX. Fashion .Xx
Are you a fan of high fashion?: I like to look at it but I'd never wear it!
What designer label/brand name is your favorite?: I'm kind of a Kate Spade or a Prada 'ho.
Do you often wear designer labels?: Never
Do you own a designer bag?: No, I have better things to spend my money on!
How about designer shades?: No, I wear cheap sunglasses because I lose them.
Do you think designer labels are for pretentious wannabes?: No, but I do think they're a waste of money.
If you had to 'label' your sense of style, what would it be?: Functional
Do you like wearing skirts and dresses?: Yes
Do you wear track pants with things written across the bum?: God no
Skirts or shorts in the summer?: yes
Jeans, or other pants?: I wear all sorts of pants.
Do you prefer heels or flats?: I like heels but I have a weakness for spangled ballet flats because I'm a nerd.
Do you wear sneakers, or fancy shoes regularly?: I have to wear nice shoes to work.
Do you ever wear a hat?: In windy or cold weather.
What color(s) do you gravitate towards most?: black, blue
Do you consider yourself to be trendy?: not at all
What is your favorite trend at the moment?: a-line print skirts
Do you wear cute socks, or just basic black/white ones?: I either wear white anklets with my sneaks or old lady knee-highs with my dressy shoes
How do you feel about toe socks?: Yes! And flip flops! Classy!
Fishnet stockings, tacky or fabulous?: Super hot if everything else you're wearing is conservative and demure.
Do you even say 'fabulous'?: Yes. I also say "fab" and "rad" with a little sense of irony.

Bryan brought this up as we were watching a live version of Alex Harvey's "Framed."

Teeny Little Super Guy from Sesame Street:

And Alex Harvey's "The Man in the Jar":


Based on the same thing? Perhaps.
The guy in the juice glass is pretty similar to a man in a jar.

We also noticed:
1. When "undone" I have the exact same hairstyle as Alex Harvey and Bryan has the beard, making us some strange creepy seventies composite person.
2. More lead guitarists who don't sing should dress up as mimes because it's frightfully clever
3. I'm not sure if I should be scared or proud of my Scottish heritage after watching that Alex Harvey clip.

What do you think? Alex Harvey=Teeny Little Super Guy?

Here's something interesting I've noticed over the past few days.
It's spring and there are a lot of pregnant ladies around. We had a Valentines Day snowstorm awhile back and, well, people are starting to "show."
This has inspired many of the men I work with to talk about how they want large families with six to eight children, all of them highly trained like the Von Trapps.

These are the same men who FREAK when they think their wives/girlfriends/last night's bar girl are pregnant.

Where do they go from denying the idea of one child to the idea of welcoming eight? I think that's a special kind of insanity. I'm sure in their imaginations they're married to a woman who certainly doesn't LOOK like she has had eight children (because you want your wife to have them, but you want her to stay 100 pounds the whole time) and they come home and everyone's tucked neatly in bed. And everyone's filthy rich. This thought causes me to laugh out loud.

You men are weird.

Here are some things people should say more:

1. Bo-dee-oh-do
2. Now that's a fine kettle of fish.
3. Razz-a-ma-tazz
4. What in the Sam Hill?
5. Well, kiss my grits!
6. Tarnation!
7. Oh, my stars and garters!

Here are some things I, personally, should say less:

1. What are you, drunk?
2. Like, totally
3. That's retarded
4. Piss on that
5. Oh, snap!
6. Yes
7. No, I'm not that busy. Sure I'll help with that!

Today will be "no" day. Want me to do 15 more useless things that are just going to be canceled or rescheduled? What are you, drunk? I'm sorry, I'm just too busy today.

Also, today I will not iron my work pants, and fie on those who have the temerity to mention it! Ironed pants? Ha ha ha! You're lucky I'm WEARING pants today, Buster Brown!

Today I will turn my in-basket upside down, so as not to receive more work.

Today I will wear my hair in a ponytail and say "pffffft" to spending twenty minutes straightening it.

Today I will eat what I want for lunch, and not be ashamed when it turns out what I want is pickles and munchos.

I really don't like Mondays.

"Either the world smells like cat pee....."
Long pause and some sniffing...
"...or the cat peed on my shirt."

I think we all wonder that at some point in our lives.

Yesterday I tried desperately to explain to Lovell why I hate my new haircut, and I found myself having a hard time convincing him that a haircut that needs "styling" is technically-to me-a bad haircut. Oh sure, I have my other reasons. I think it's a style best suited to someone with a more angular face, with bigger eyes and a smaller nose, someone without freckles, someone who doesn't look like a pre-pubescent child. It's also a cut I didn't ask for. In fact, when describing what I wanted I said "just as long as it's not that Pulp Fiction looking haircut I had a year ago, I'll be happy." I don't really know how "cheekbone hitting bang thingeys" translates to eyebrow length thick fringe, but apparently they mean the same thing to the person wielding the scissors.

Still, while these things are unfortunate, they are not really the main reason I want to say screw it and just chop all of it off.

Because I have an amazing amount of hair crammed into my skull, it's big and puffy. It is also sort of crazy wavy and therefore in order to leave the house in the morning not looking like a heroin addict, I need to spend a lot of time drying, putting in straightening gel, flat ironing, hairspraying, bobby pinning and various other forms of torture to my poor low maintenance head.

I know for most women having to get up and "style" themselves is part of a daily routine, but I think that's stupid. If I have to spend more than ten minutes on my hair and face in the morning, than something isn't right. Lovell's response was "heaven forbid you do your hair."

Yes, heaven forbid, indeed. Why can't hair be considered "done" when it's just been washed and brushed? Why is that considered tacky? If you have the right haircut, you should be able to wash it and go. I feel the same way about makeup.

Men don't understand this, because most men don't wear makeup (although I'm not against the idea---a little concealer does make a big difference in self image)---but certain hairstyles require more cosmetics. For example, this childish fright wig of a style draws attention to my fat cheeks and my dark circles. Unless I wear some mascara and a little blush I look exactly like Little Lord Fauntleroy. I could put on some breeches and a ruffly blouse and everyone would exclaim that I'm a dashing little boy. And while it might help my career, it doesn't prevent me from shuddering whenever I pass a mirror and thinking that maybe a little lipstick would smooth it all over.

If you get a haircut that flatters your features, you need less makeup and if you get one that draws attention to your flaws you need more makeup. I don't see why men don't "get" this. Look, most of you were raised by women, you should have a little compassion in this area. You should say "wow you look gorgeous" not "why are you putting that pink stuff all over your face."

I don't think that wanting to be able to walk out of the house with no "styling" is bad. I don't think that a woman needs full eyeliner and half an hours worth of strategic curling iron use to look pulled together. I wonder where this notion came from, that in order to be classy we have to be "done." Why can't I be "done" when I step out of the shower?

Maybe it's a man thing. Do men use a hairstyle to gauge a girl's attractiveness and/or class level? I know hats aren't in right now, but what about those? Do y'all like hats? Maybe I'll start wearing them until these bangs grow to cheekbone length, and then I can ditch the blush and mascara and all will be right with the world again.

I like to think I'm just low maintenance. Isn't that what men want? Why is that considered lazy? Do you people WANT to wait for an hour for your lady to put herself together to leave the house?

Again, I say pffffft!

(In reference to my first post tonight)

So what if I have big arms and shoulders. America's Next Top Model probably has broad shoulders, too.

Pffft.

People are often surprised at how strong I am, considering I am built like a ten year old boy. Today I decided to do a little measuring, to see how my arms and shoulders compared to Bryan's.

The results were neither feminine, nor flattering.

Bryan: 5'10", 175 lbs.
Me: 5'5", 110 lbs.

Bryan's shoulders, 45"
My shoulders, 39.5"

Bryan's bicep, 13"
My bicep, 10"

Bryan's "wingspan" 68"
My "wingspan" 67" (Shit!!!)

So we see that I am indeed built like a man. A wizened, elderly man, but a man nonetheless. Why? Why couldn't my legs and chest have evened out?

Stupid Tyler genes. Grrr. Thanks, Dad. Apparently I got my figure from you.

I heard this song on the radio and was awestruck. I thought I'd share.