I am going to post a MySpace quiz, because that's how I roll:

my name is:Stephanie
When I'm nervous: I talk a lot. Well...a lot more than usual.
By this time next year: I plan on being wealthy.
Last night: Cooking and Simpsons marathon!

PART 1: YOU
Were you a planned baby? Ha ha ha ha ha!
Were you the first? Yes.

PART 2: YOUR PERSONALITY
Do you get depressed about things easily? Yeah. And then I get ANGRY!
Are you happy right now? I'd be better if I had a pizza.

PART 3: APPEARANCE
Are you comfortable with the way you look? Not really. I wish I could wake up and have perfect hair like Ali, not that I am jealous.
Describe your hair: Big and wild

PART 4: RANDOM
Ever been kicked out of a bar? Yes, but it was TOTALLY Lovell's fault. I was the DD.
Ever been arrested? Not yet

PART 5: THE OUTDOORS
Do you prefer indoors or outdoors? Depends on the season. I like to stay indoors with all the lights off in the summer.
Do you like walking in the rain? Yes.
Do you like thunderstorms? Of course, I do, I'm from Ohio.

PART 6: FOOD
Are you a vegetarian? No.
Anything you absolutely could eat forever? Berries
What is your favorite dessert? I'm not a big desert person. Strawberry shortcake? Fruit and cream?

PART 7: RELATIONSHIP AND LOVE
Do you want to get married? I am married.
Have you ever been in love? I damn well hope so.

PART 8: RANDOM QUESTIONS
1. Where is your cell phone? Damned if I know.
2. Name a random person: Michelle
3. Pen or Pencil? Pen
4. Pet's Name? Louise
5. Cheesecake? Enh
7. Your dream last night? Getting ready for work and realizing it was already afternoon.
8. Your favorite drink? Unsweetened cherry kool-aid
9. Car you want? My own, but much much cleaner.
10. The room you're in: Living room
12. Your fear? Robots
14. Who are you hanging out with tonight? Bryan and our million cats and the dog.
17. One of your wish list items? Sweatpants!
18. Where did you grow up? Eaton Township
20. What are you wearing? black slacks and a nice sweater
21. Tattoos? soon Skip and I will have them
22. Ketchup? Only on certain white trash style food items.
23. Your computer? on my lap
24. Your life? Pretty boring when I'm not accidentally almost killing myself in household accidents.
25. Your mood?: Kind of depressed, I hate going back to work after a vacation.
26. Missing? my cell phone
27. What are you thinking about right now? dinner
28. Your car/truck is? kind of messy
30. Your summer? too freaking hot, until my parents surprised us with AC
32. Your favorite color(s)? green and purple
33. When is the last time you laughed? At work when a new attorney asked me if I was high. (He then blushed and said "I meant...from the smell...of the copy machine" and darted out of the room.)
34. Last time you cried? Yesterday, from coughing too hard.
35. High school? I'm going to pretend it wasn't too long ago.
36. Last recieved call? Some Jackass who can't read and called the number on the letterhead and NOT the one specifically mentioned in the body of the letter.

Yesterday was a smashing success, at least in terms of units of leftovers generated. Bryan's brother Rich showed up with a smoked turkey AND a pork roast to go with our ham and taters and yams and rolls and Ohio Greenbean Casserole.

I've decided maybe now I DO like ham, at least if it's prepared the way I did yesterday, which is to slightly overcook it because the timer keeps freezing up and I accidentally singed the outside that adds more deliciousness per a scientific formula, which I have prepared for you here:

Broken oven door + turned up oven temp to compensate + overcooking = yummy ham

I am now attempting to make ham chowder, which I will achieve (I hope) by boiling the meaty ham bone in some water and stirring in creamed corn and cream of mushroom soup. This is a loose recipe I put together after staring at the internet for a few minutes and then opening the fridge and laughing at the contents. We have lots of food in leftover form, yes, but aside from actual INGREDIENT style things...well...not so much. I might smash my yams into sweet potato pie and see how that turns out.

I was just doing a little blog reading while waiting for my ham bone to fall apart, and laughing with amusement to myself over peoples' profiles. I love reading how people describe themselves. I have a feeling that we're all pretty wrong about the whole thing. For example, I would describe myself as a lady of average height who compensates for that by being kind of loud and obnoxious, and Lovell has described me as being a mix of Bender from Futurama and Randall from Clerks. Well...wait, actually those descriptions kind of go together pretty well, don't they? Anyway, I was thinking that we all need to write other peoples' profiles for them. Then we'd have a lot less of this "I'm kinda punk because I listen to kOrn" bullshit out there.

You know what else is bullshit? Going back to work tomorrow. I've been having the time of my life doing absolutely nothing and eating every second of my waking hours. I could do this forever. But then who will do MY demanding job of pushing paper from one pile to the next with absolutely no regard for quality of work done? Responsibility is a bitch.

Skipper's Christmas gift to me is a tattoo! We've been talking about getting matching commemorative tattoos for the past two years, and I guess that's why he was so insane about me not picking one the other day.

I have rules when it comes to tattoos. Smaller is better, it MUST be in an area which you can easily cover up and only show by careful clothing placement, and when I am 85 I still want to be able to look at it and think "yeah, I'm glad I got that."

I think a tattoo commemorating a transplant satisfies number 3. It's not like I'd be getting a butterfly because "I know a lot of girls get them because they're trendy, but they really MEAN something to ME." (I actually heard some girl say this to her friend, and I almost wet myself laughing.)

So Skip and I are thinking a kidney and crossbones with 12/23/05. I want mine to be about the size of a half dollar, and because I am bony I will have it put on my hip in the back, which is the fattest part of my body (aside from my actual bottom, but I'm really not all about showing that off. Sober.)

This way I can avoid the tramp-stamp lower back look, no one will see it unless I WANT them to see it, but I could still say "hey look at this" and tug down my waistband an inch and not look like a whore.

Skip wants his on his shoulder, because he's often shirtless and hilarious. And by hilarious, I mean his breasts are now bigger than mine. How come he ended up with the Butterfield rack? So unfair.

Last night my hacking cough would not allow either of us to sleep, so I got up and moved to the couch. We have a guest room in the attic, but for some reason it was freezing last night. I curled up on Jeli's old couch with a roll of toilet paper to use as tissue and coughed the night away. I believe I got all of one hour of sleep, and even that was disturbing.

I woke up to Steve(the dog) climbing up onto the couch on top of me and crushing my belly, and in my rush to protect my left side I thought "Hey! It's kidney day!"

So I called The Skipper, thanked him for the kidney, we called each other whores, and then we re-opened the idea of commemorative tattoos.

I'm still thinking we should turn his empty side into a bong. Would you believe not everyone thinks this is a good idea?

Pffft.

Of course, maybe I should have a few more hours of sleep before I decide on permanent body art. Any ideas?

Yesterday after I arrived at urgent care the doctor made me go through a whole physical exam, complete with him bopping me over the head a few times and asking "does that hurt?" ("No, but I'm gonna hurt YOU in a minute!") I know he was really checking my pressure points, lymph areas and glands, so I refrained from murder long enough to learn that I have "probably a virus, but you may have some underlying bacterial something as well...I don't know, it's Christmas and I'm feeling generous, so I will gift you some antibiotics. Do you have insurance?" He said all this in a jolly tone of voice, tacky Christmas tie wobbling before my red, watery eyes. I think I like him.

One of the fabulous but less advertised side effects of severe colds is the loss of face which accompanies them. Beauty magazines always offer their own little symptom relievers, trying to convince you that even when sick you are expected to look perky and perfect, when you really just want to drink a whole tub of soup and pass out face first in the shag carpeting. This pisses me off, although I guess it's more professional to say that you "may" have some relief with cold washcloths, instead of typing "ha ha ha! You will look like pasty, clammy, swollen and puffy ass for the next four days!"

Aunty Stepho is prepared to offer some beauty tips for those who are suffering from terrible colds and who could use a little help this holiday season.

1. Wear a big cheery holiday sweatshirt. Tis is the season to be tacky, y'all. Also, it can hide the fact that underneath it, you are still in your thermal pajama t-shirt. (It will also hide the fact that you've been curled on the couch eating comfort food for four days.) The more colors and tacky designs there are, the better to hide that shrimp dip you spilled down your chest when you sneezed at the same time you dipped.

2. I feel stabby, oh so stabby..."What do you mean, 'what happened to you'! Something's about to happen to YOU!" Lunge in an irrational manner. Repeat as needed.

3. Rudolph nose paint. It will hide the redness. Maybe you don't NEED paint? Add some antlers. Sexy!

4. Acupressure? This might be valid. I just tried the one where you put your two fingers on the outside of your nose and press for a minute. It's supposed to help with puffiness and congestion. It may be a lot of horseshit, but I did just blow my nose about fifteen times and I am breathing through my nose now, so I am beginning to suspect there may be something to it. Or else I actually did have a sinus infection and the pills I'm on are starting to work. Hard to say. It's worth a shot.

5. Whatever happened to Baby Jane? I don't know, but I'm about to go steal her makeup tips. Lots of blush, I think. And maybe a big ass bow perched on top of my head. "She'd be an ok looking girl, if she didn't slap on all that makeup," is what people will think. Much preferable to "she'd be an ok looking girl, if she didn't have those dark circles and those red eyes and that puffy face and bizarre dry skin." Let the imagination work towards subtraction, not towards "good God, did Liza Minelli over there just get off a four day bender?"

6. Whining. Pity will get you all sorts of things. Free food, trips to and from the car or the kitchen, housework done...remember, it's not "laziness," it's "resting comfortably."

Well, those are all I can think of right now. I'm going to go try to blow out my hair, because I slept on it wet and...well...my cold is sort of the least of the problems with my physical appearance right now. I totally look like Garth from Wayne's World!

Ho ho ho!

I've had a very sore throat for about four days now, and after waking up this morning with it worse than ever, I've decided to just roll my lazy ass on down to the local urgent care and have them swab me to see if this can be treated.

The men at work will be disappointed, because if this clears up I will no longer sound sexy, like Lauren Bacall after two packs of cigarettes and two fingers of scotch. I had to change my out-of-office greeting last night and my new voice message is HILARIOUS. I bet I won't be getting any hang-ups for awhile!
Unfortunately I also have a disgusting hacking cough, which offsets the sexy with a sort of emphasymic flair.

I was explaining to Joe C that one of the benefits of sounding pathetic while otherwise feeling totally fine (well---except for the agonizing cough) is that you still feel OK, but people are STILL compelled to give you free candy and cough drops and carry your DHL packages to the curb.

So we'll see. I may get some 'biots, but I may attempt to save this crazy voice for awhile, since it's been working in my favor. Not sounding like I'm 10 has distinct advantages.

I have the next few days off work, so this morning it's to the doctor, (hopefully) to the pharmacy, and to Target, where I will spend money and laugh with glee at finally being finished. MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! *cough* *splutter* *ow* *eyes tear up*

Hrm. Maybe that's more "maniac" than "glee."

I tried to blog and email just a few minutes ago, and realize I am incapable of typing today. I'm sure part of it is that I have not had coffee yet.

Just when I thought I was a procrastinator:

Nicole: So is anyone coming to my party tonight?
Me: IS there a party? I thought I was the only one who responded. And then you didn't respond back. I'll come over if you want me to.
Nicole: I think I might have one other person coming. You should bring Bryan, because I don't like thinking I only have one friend!
Me: OK. I'll pick up Cat, too. And we'll stop and get the ornaments we should have gotten last week since this is technically a tree trimming party.
Nicole: OK, but don't show up till 7 or 7:30. I uh...I still have to pick up a tree.

And Nicole is the RESPONSIBLE one!

*giggles self silly*

When I started working for my company, almost every day I would see a gentleman who looked EXACTLY like someone I used to know way back in vicinity of 2001. This was someone I briefly worked with, and so I thought that maybe it would be nice to go up and say hi. The problem was, I wasn't sure whether it WAS this person or not. I always only caught a glimpse of his face from the side, and he looked heavier than I remembered. I wasn't sure. Every time I tried to see his face full on, he would catch me squinting at him and look directly into my eyes, causing me to immediately turn my face away in embarrassment. It was getting awkward. I didn't want to admit that I might not recognize someone I worked with for such a long time, but at the same time if it WASN'T him, I was afraid he'd think I was being coy and trying to introduce myself in a flirtatious way. If I'd gone up and asked "Dale?" the first day I saw him, it would have not been an issue, but as it was, I'd dragged it out so long that I was pretty sure he thought I was just checking him out.

I checked his name in the company directory and I didn't find it, so I'd pretty much come to the conclusion that this was NOT the right person, and that I was an idiot. Still, he continued to parade past my desk and I continued to think that the similarity was so close maybe I'd just misspelled his name or something and missed it.

Fast forward to last week. I was sitting in the lunch room, reading and eating, and he came right up to my table. "Stephanie, you are setting some kind of record with all the books you are reading!" he said, with admiration.

I looked up and finally looked into his face directly for the first time ever. It WASN'T Dale, even though the height/weight/hair/wedding band/occasional glasses were the same. But if it wasn't Dale, how did he know my name? HOW? Maybe Dale was a middle name? HOW?

I went back to my desk and called my friend Missy, who no longer worked there but who had often listened to my ruminations on "Is that Dale? He looks kind of too short. But I'm taller. So maybe he's the same height and it's just me who has changed?"

She listened patiently and then laughed. "Steph, do you think that maybe he knows your name because it's ON YOUR DESK????"

Oh, snap!

Yeah, there is that.

So for the record, this man is NOT Dale, but I swear he freaking looks just like him.
Am I really that unobservant that I can no longer tell them apart, in addition to forgetting their names as soon as I hear them?

I've heard it said that all fat people have an inner thin person. I always thought that was sort of silly, like saying "underneath my clothes I'm naked."

This afternoon I was in the car, chowing down on a Snickers (actual quote from me this afternoon: "You know what my headache needs? Chocolate!")and swigging cranberry juice directly from the container, raving about how much I LOVE sweatpants and wondering if I could get away with disguising them as real pants if I wore really nice shoes with them when it hit me----I am a thin person who has an inner fat person.

I am currently wearing navy blue sweatpants tucked into snow boots with layered Browns t-shirts over them. The waist band on my pants is all loose and stretchy so when I sit down I have to tug my pants up over my bottom or else the whole world will see London and France. I look like Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons.

Maybe for Christmas I should just ask for a selection of wide leg yoga pants with elastic waists in black and tan so that I can wear jammies and sweats EVERY SINGLE DAY.

One day, when I own my yarn store, this is how I will dress. I can't wait!

A bit of how the morning went:

Four fuzzy kittens jumping on the bed, Sprocket fell off and bumped his head. Bryan woke up angry and this is what he said: "No more kittens jumping on the bed!" Repeat several times.

Last Sunday I ordered glasses and had them put a "rush" order on them, because my backup pair was eaten by Steve. I'm using my backup backup pair, which are at least four years old and are now coming apart because they are rimless and held together by the nose piece. They've been making my eyes very sore and tired because the prescription is so off. The new spectaclese are not in yet, which makes me question the whole "rush" thing, but it's not like I paid any extra. Bryan and I picked out these frames in record time thanks to a new system I put in place--I try on a pair, we laugh and try to guess who I look like in that particular pair, than I try on another. I put the frames I liked least back in their spot and repeated until I found a combination of flattering and affordable that was acceptable. I tried to go for a different style this time---the half rims---thinking that the lack of a lower rim would make my cheeks seem less full. Unfortunately, I think the lens hanging over my face like that with no frame to break it up seemed to actually magnify things in a rather alarming manner, so after trying that style in varying sizes and widths, I ended up buying something almost exactly like my last pair, only a little smaller and of a lighter shade of silver. I though for sure that going with more oversized frames would dwarf my face by comparison, but apparently I need to buy glasses like I buy pants. Either they must fit perfectly or be clownishly oversized, because anything too small or only slightly too big will make you look lumpy and bizarre.

So we'll see. They're supposed to come in today, and my eyes will be happy again.

Last night I finished the back of the pink sweater, and I don't want to hear any laughing from Jeli about my hilarious "I'll have a new sweater by Thanksgiving!" statement. We all know I'm delusional and incapable of planning. I cast on the front late last night after working on Rich's Browns hat. I am ready to do the decreases and the stripe today, and then I will knit this for myself.

I walk into work all decked out in various hats/scarves/mittens that I find around the house, and my co-worker Chris always comes up and grabs my hat, or the hem of my sweater and asks "did you make this?" And I laugh. I am a knitter with no handknits for herself. Well---not totally true. I have two pairs of socks. I could use more, because these crappy cotton blend kind you get in the jumbo bag at Target suck and are not nearly cozy enough for wood floors. Maybe I could quit my job and just knit full time. Although, how would I afford wool? I'd have to sell my body or something. So I'd probably have to get in shape, spray tan or invest in implants or something. Eh, piss on that. I will continue to be bony, pasty white and work at a desk job until I can blackmail one of my co-workers or something I can earn the money in a responsible and healthy manner.

Should I put up the Christmas tree? Would cats hanging off the branches count as "ornamentation?"

I left my phone charger at work, because I am tremendously responsible. Therefore I be havin no cell phone right now. If anyone has any questions about tomorrow's "band" practice (hat knitting session?/hint hint) please call Mr. B.

Joe C has started another round of "post random things about yourself," and I think I will participate because I am too hungry and lazy to finish up my last drafted post on why I dislike Picasso and whether or not that makes me stupid or just confident in my likes and dislikes. Unlike Joe C or his other friends, I am too lazy to post 100 or even 50 things, so let's see how far I actually get:

1. I saw the last post on Joe's twitter, and read "Woo!" as "wool" and got really, really excited.
2. I wake up every weekend and take a look around the house and get angry that it looks like that, since neither of us does any real cleaning during the week. Then I start throwing crap around and starting to clean three rooms at once. Then I half do some laundry before losing interest and either cooking or buying breakfast and sitting in the middle of a room where the cleaning effort has actually kind of produced a little more mess, with bleach bottles and soapy water everywhere. I call this my "angry cleaning" time.
4. I have a recurring nightmare. Only since all of my dreams are lucid, I always pause them in Saved By the Bell fashion and go back and kick some ass. Sort of like a video game.
5. Terry Pratchett is my favorite (favourite, squee!) author.
6. I have a yarn closet. It's a small closet, though. Stop judging me!
7. I have four cats and a dog. Only one does not have a human name. He is currently attempting to read what I am typing and twitching his whiskers in an endearing manner. Despite this, I fear he is actually quite stupid. Stupid, but cute!
8. I call glasses "Spectaclese" and I always buy them in the same way. I go into the vision place and try on a pair, admiring my reflection in their crappily lit mirrors. "Gosh, my face doesn't look so potato-shaped in these!" I will say, twirling my hair and sucking in my cheeks. "I look just like Gillian Anderson!" And then the people I brought with me will make faces and suggest I try something a little larger to make my face look "less round." So I will put pair 1 back, pick up pair 2 which will look EXACTLY like pair 1 and repeat. This goes on for about twenty minutes, until someone plunks something more flattering on my face, and then I will suggest that they are awfully TRENDY, while the people I brought with me will try desperately to convince me that they are the only pair in the store which make me look somewhat appealing. Repeat until purchase made.
9. I turned 19 on my last birthday. Next year I will turn 19 again! I've been 19 for awhile now.
10. I love love LOVE sausage, egg and cheese McGriddles. They will be my downfall.
11. You know who's hot? Alan Alda, that's who!
12. I can't decide whether soup or pasta is my favorite. Heck, I'll have both!
13. I am a "sour" and crave things with vinegar or lemon in them. As a general rule, I do not eat sugary foods. I have a theory that "sours" are attracted to "sweets." This is probably sort of homeopathic, or maybe it's just that I really like food and base a lot of my thinking on it.
14. When I hear someone say something bad about someone I know, I will usually stick up for that person, even if I agree and/or don't really like the person being discussed. I'm ok with criticism, but I think we need to consider all factors and motives before whining about someone to a third party.
15. I have figured out that the best way to keep the new associates at work from bringing me shit that I don't have time for is to require them to do various embarrassing theater moves, such as chorus line kicking, before handing me the file. My work load has slowed down quite a bit.
16. We've had a UPS sticker stuck to our TV since we moved in. I'm not sure why it's there, but I haven't made a move to take it down, either. It'll probably stay until next time we move. Apathy!