"Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!"
I've decided that instead of posting some smarmy horseshit about 2007 and how I failed to live up to my resolutions (since I promptly forgot them about a week into the new yar), I will try explaining my resolutions for THIS year utilizing a series of quotes from Homer Simpson.
(My boss tried to convince me that running a marathon would be a good goal----I told him I'd only do that if there were lobsters, martinis and porno waiting for me at the finish line. Probably a good thing, since I can't find a quote that would fit that particular goal, anyway.)
Thank you, Matt Groening, for the endless font of wisdom that is Homer Simpson:
"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." I will try to keep silent and refrain from eye rolling when various people come to me and bitch about things such as politics/money/their stupid taste in boyfriends at work. This way I can never say something that I will end up regretting. Also, I hope it will limit the times a certain person comes to me to talk about how he's always poor immediately after showing me his new $100 electronic gadget of the week.
"When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!" This year I am going to learn about something new every week. I want to become educated in a variety of useless subjects. I am hoping this will make me more rounded, as opposed to just marginally more annoying. Last night I learned about moonshine. And NASCAR!
"The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!" This one is boring. New house, some of our immediate expenses out of the way...it's time to take a look at money and what we're going to do with it versus what we'd LIKE to do with it (ie: piss it away on booze and hookers.)
"I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!" I'm going to haul my ass out of bed a little earlier on Sundays and go to church more regularly. I always enjoy church, but I am lazy. So indirectly, I will also be working on my laziness.
"Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use." This is something I started talking about right after we moved in. I'm going to plant a vegetable garden this spring, because fresh produce at the grocery store is expensive and totally devoid of nutrients. I'll be able to freeze some of the stuff, too, so that I can have organic food all though winter.
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." I will try to be less gullible. What? There's candy in your large, windowless panel van? Oooh!
So those are sort of loose resolutions for this upcoming year. Let's not call them resolutions, though, because that's kind of dumb. Let's call them The Self Awarenacles.
Actually, that's also pretty dumb.
Enh, what the hell. I didn't resolve not to make up words, because that would render my life joyless and bland.
(My boss tried to convince me that running a marathon would be a good goal----I told him I'd only do that if there were lobsters, martinis and porno waiting for me at the finish line. Probably a good thing, since I can't find a quote that would fit that particular goal, anyway.)
Thank you, Matt Groening, for the endless font of wisdom that is Homer Simpson:
"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." I will try to keep silent and refrain from eye rolling when various people come to me and bitch about things such as politics/money/their stupid taste in boyfriends at work. This way I can never say something that I will end up regretting. Also, I hope it will limit the times a certain person comes to me to talk about how he's always poor immediately after showing me his new $100 electronic gadget of the week.
"When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!" This year I am going to learn about something new every week. I want to become educated in a variety of useless subjects. I am hoping this will make me more rounded, as opposed to just marginally more annoying. Last night I learned about moonshine. And NASCAR!
"The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!" This one is boring. New house, some of our immediate expenses out of the way...it's time to take a look at money and what we're going to do with it versus what we'd LIKE to do with it (ie: piss it away on booze and hookers.)
"I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!" I'm going to haul my ass out of bed a little earlier on Sundays and go to church more regularly. I always enjoy church, but I am lazy. So indirectly, I will also be working on my laziness.
"Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use." This is something I started talking about right after we moved in. I'm going to plant a vegetable garden this spring, because fresh produce at the grocery store is expensive and totally devoid of nutrients. I'll be able to freeze some of the stuff, too, so that I can have organic food all though winter.
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." I will try to be less gullible. What? There's candy in your large, windowless panel van? Oooh!
So those are sort of loose resolutions for this upcoming year. Let's not call them resolutions, though, because that's kind of dumb. Let's call them The Self Awarenacles.
Actually, that's also pretty dumb.
Enh, what the hell. I didn't resolve not to make up words, because that would render my life joyless and bland.
posted at 7:14 PM
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