When Lovell, Mike, and I were in ninth grade, we passed much of our time in school by creating little characters, variety shows, stories, poems and fake "game shows" for our own amusement. This was back before any of that ADHD medicine or rampant Prozac dosing, and I'm pretty sure that often times we were a little too creative for our own good. Lovell is good with voices, so he was the character dude. He had a few favorites---a drunken Scotsman named Hamish McMxlvii (inspired by a string of Roman numerals), and a Chinese pizza parlor owner from 1980s New York City. The pizza guy would yell at his imaginary customers in angry fake-Chinese, and would insert recognizable phrase here and there with finger-quotes. "Coca-Cola," "Kentucky Fried" or "crazy round eye" were amongst the favorites.















Looking back, I'm shocked that we managed to get As in all the classes we imagined our way through. Sure, we had to go to the school counselor a few times, but who doesn't have to do that in high school?
















Lovell and Mike loved the pizza guy character so much that they often discussed what a REAL crazy round eye pizza would taste like. So one day, in their early twenties, they put together a concoction so unbelievably excessive that it instantly became a favorite food.















Here's a loose recipe:
















Start with a pizza crust. Either buy one, or make one and pre-cook it. It MUST be pre cooked. It should be the biggest crust you can find/make.















Get about 14 oz of pizza sass. Make it, buy it, whatever. We found a "cheese" pizza kit at Aldi for $2.22 that came with sass and crust mix, along with a tiny little pouch of fake cheese.

















Spread half the sass on the crust. Cook a pound of bacon and a pound of sausage. Crumble both over the crust. Add a pound of sliced pepperoni. You can substitute chicken if you want a white pizza. Whatever. Essentially you want something like three pounds of meat. Cover this with the remaining sauce.

















Slice olives, green peppers, onion, pineapple...whatever else you like on pizza. Next time I'm going to add a small can of anchovies.












Top it all with a whole bag of sliced mozzarella cheese, grated parmasean, feta....The goal is for the finished product to be about six inches thick at the center. It should look like a quivering haystack when you are done.














Heat the oven up to 425 and cook for 15-25 minutes.















You'll need a knife and fork to eat this pizza. Serve either with cheap beer or generic soda. MMMM. I already have a southwest version planned out, with a tangy southwest sauce instead of pizza sauce, and maybe some cooked shrimp and sour cream. You probably shouldn't eat ANY version of crazy round eye pizza if you're on a diet or if you think eating to excess is irresponsible. Pffffft.

I can't imagine a pizza delivery person trying to carry a stack of these.