Recently I tried an experiment. I tried to go a whole day without giving excuses for things. On the surface this sounds like it would be easy---"I don't make that many mistakes!" I said to myself. "Why, I'm practically perfect in every way. I'm like Mary friggin Poppins, only with red hair and a booty that won't quit."

It turned out to be much harder than I expected. First, I came in about five minutes late for work. My bosses didn't care---five minutes here or there is no big deal if it's not a habit. For the benefit of the story I will state that I DID have a legitimate excuse, but that would have defeated the purpose of the exercise. The hawk-eyed girl who sits next to me made sure to notice at a pretty high volume. "Was traffic bad or something?" It WAS bad, but I swallowed my excuse and said nothing. (Actually, to be honest I swallowed "I've never been yelled at for being late because I'm good at my job." I was also working on not being a bitch.)

One thing I didn't realize is that people (and by people I mean "I") tend to make excuses or give stories for all sorts of things---not mistakes necessarily, but even general questions. It's like we're always on the defensive, scrambling to cover our own asses. I really tried not to give a long, boring narration for every question that came my way. Not "I didn't speak to that client because when I tried calling him his number turned out to be for a local Giant Eagle." Not "I gave that file to [girl who sits next to me] so I have no idea." It was really difficult.

Ever since doing that I've become more aware of how much people do it in general. I'm usually pretty good about not doing it when it's my own dumb mistake. (I once got into an argument with someone over which one of us was going to take the blame over a pretty big mess-up. We both wanted to accept full responsibility.) Consequently, it REALLY pisses me off when I see someone making excuses ALL the time. I mean, if it's really the result of some mix-up or someone else's communication error, sure. But don't you wonder what the deal is when you hear people ALWAYS blaming others?

I suggest you try it for a day. No excuses unless expressly asked for one. Just say "sorry." Or "I didn't realize. I will get right on that." Or "perhaps you should give me a spanking?"

Whoops! I didn't really mean to type that last one.

Sprocket's not very good about grooming himself. I think he's a little brain damaged.

Anyway, I just watched Bryan deal with the issue by scruffing him and spraying him with Zorbex.

I just tried to turn on the kitchen light and walked eye-socket first into a corner. I'm sure the bruise that's sure to form will go really well with the hand I bruised last night when I was stumbling around in the dark and ran into my doorknob.

The only reason I was stumbling around in the dark was that the cats had found something to roll across the wood floor at 1:30 am, despite the fact that I'm pretty good about cat-proofing the house before I go to sleep.

Oh, and I must remembered that last night right before I went to bed I was yelling at Steve and walking when I slammed right into an outwardly curving wall that juts into the hallway.

There's really no excuse for this. I'm thinking of just wrapping myself in bubble wrap.

Edit: Right after I wrote this post, I walked into the bedroom, tripped and fell. Luckily, the bed broke my fall.

Last night I had a dream about a friend. In my dream I hadn't seen him for several years and I had been unable to contact him, so I resorted to google-stalking him on the internet to see what was going on. I was surprised to find a video clip posted under his main screen name on a message board. The video clip showed his sister and his niece eating cereal and laughing, and then his young niece grabbed the camera and pointed it at his face. He was wearing some sort of oxygen mask contraption that went into one nostril and then sort of trailed back behind his ear and down into his collar. I wasn't shocked or horrified to see him wearing such a device, I was just happy and relieved to see him and to know that he was still alive at all, despite his obviously apparent medical issues. I drove over to his sister's house and knocked on the door demanding to see him, and when he stepped into my line of vision I rushed in, hugging him and asking him why he hadn't contacted me, telling him how I would support him in his time of illness, etc. Well. It turns out that he was NOT wearing oxygen, he was just experimenting with new ways of doing drugs in public. Then I woke up.

I'm not sure what it means, but I'm a little disturbed that I was dreaming about how to sneak drugs in public. Why can't I dream about sexy movie stars, like normal people?

Husband's note on the refrigerator to his wife:"Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal. When did you start drinking beer?

Spending $50 on something both white and dry clean only.
Keeping the soft scrub/lysol/scrubbing bubbles IN the shower.
Gossiping about your boss.
100% polyester in the summer.
Buying groceries at Heinens when you can get the same things at Aldi for 1/3 the price.
Climbing on furniture, even if you are technically an adult and you bought the furniture yourself.
Schnapps.
Wearing lip gloss on a windy day.
Doing lunges the day before doing lots of stair-related activities.
Having more than one glass of prune juice in a day.
Obsessive tanning bed usage.
Calling yourself a genius in public.
Asking a woman about her pregnancy if it has not been confirmed yet that she actually is pregnant.
Belly shirts in the middle of winter.
Beer bongs.
Bathing suit shopping in the middle of winter.
Over use of the words "post-modern," "rhetoric" and "pundit."
Naming your child after yourself.
Trying to bathe a cat in the kitchen sink.
Lasagna and wheat bread sandwiches.